Rain rain go away.

Dear Blogspot,

Today I woke up with so many things on my mind. I tend to wake up early now because it's starting to become a habit since I wake up early for school everyday. I hate it. Sometimes I wish I could sleep until 12pm on weekends so I would have less time to spend doing absolutely nothing. My weekend days usually start late in the afternoon or at night which is the total opposite of how it was a couple of months ago. I used to go out and do things extremely early with my best friend. I used to come over his house but usually he would go to mine and we would go to random places or just stay at my house and do absolutely nothing but by 5 or 6 pm he would have to go home because his parents prefer him to be home before it's dark. I sort of miss those days. My mom was never on my case during those times because I would always be home. Now I'm back to how I was before I met my best friend. I go out late with my friends and my mom would constantly call me to see where I'm at and I would ignore her calls or make up an excuse like I'm still eating or something. It's sad because I love my mom so much. She's been my best friend and her and I have always been a team especially since my dad was never around. I wouldn't know what to do without her and I'm already eighteen. That's sad also. Although I say I love her and all that stuff, I still end up hurting her or getting her angry. I don't mean it. I'm not going to make excuses but as much as I say love her and care for her, she's also the person that makes me mad the most. And because of that, I'm always avoiding her because lately I've been feeling as if I have so many things to fix in my life and having her there nagging at me just makes it worse. Sorry Mommy. I still always make sure I hangout with her when she's not working though.

So I read Angelo's blogspot this morning and it made me feel a little guilty. I realized how much he really does care and I'm always just being a bitch to him. I always call him "Stupid" because he tends to constantly be absent-minded. I really do still care about him but he's not fixing himself what so ever or maybe I'm assuming he's not. But uhhh, missing school for 12 days in a row is definitely a mistake though. Yes, I'm really controlling with the people around me but it's because I care so much. If I didn't I would probably just let Angelo go off and do his own thing and I do my own thing but it's hard because I like seeing my best friends happy. Eh, I guess I'm assuming everything. Maybe they are happy and I'm just being stupid and controlling. It just makes me mad to hear Angelo say that I'm probably happier without him, I don't care, and I made better friends after he left. I always try my best to still keep my friendship going with him because I've never had a truly great best friend like him and Edward. It makes me sad to think that maybe someday I'll loose them completely. Yeah, Edward and I have other friends but I never wanted to replace Angelo or Edward as my two best friends. Sometimes I wonder how Angelo would treat me if he had other friends. Maybe I wouldn't even mean much or maybe he only considers me his best friend because he has no one else. I hope not. It makes me sad enough to see that Edward picks his ex-girlfriend over me. I mean I know it's hard because she was also his best friend but sometimes it sucks to know that he's letting a girl get in our friendship and letting her brainwash him into thinking that I'm not a real best friend aka I just use him. That's probably the reason why Edward and I haven't been as close recently. Oh well, I can't blame other people. Maybe I changed and people are just starting to get tired of my attitude. I'm thankful to have Angelo and Edward as my best friends but I hope we keep it strong because I can't afford to loose friends like them. Even if we all grow up and change I still hope that we'll always have each other to run to just like before.

So as I'm writing this I'm starting to realize how bad of a person I am. I constantly say sorry to everyone around me because I know I always hurt them. I really don't know what's going on with me and why I do the things I do. I hate being controlling. I hate being stubborn. I hate being so blunt. I hate all of that so much but I can honestly say that I really do have good intentions. I guess acting like that is how I show how much I care for the people around me? But I really should try to change how I show it and be more sweet and sincere. I'm willing to change but sometimes I feel that if I do I'm not myself anymore. As much as I would love to be, Nadine is not a sweet little nice angel. I'm really the total opposite.

Oh, this rainy day is just making me yak and yak about everything. I should just stop because over analyzing life just makes it depressing.

PS: It's really ironic how this blog is titled "Rain rain go away" because when I started this blog it was rainy but after I finished writing it became sunny....Creepy.

Sincerely,
Nadine